meditation

I am staring out of the window and the world is rushing by. This inexorable march of time and people accentuating even more the rootedness of mine to a place where the more things change, the more they remain the same. You tend to wonder are you the only one who is looking back in order to look forward, but the effort is futile. What is this restlessness? What is the shape of this dread. I am consumed by this thought that all those men and women who were good and worthy are long dead and gone and there is something to be said about crossing to the other side, but then, who knows and who can tell. Even as I can scan the horizon, I cannot span it. The most pretty rhyme can lose the reason and the silence in your head can be the silence of the graveyard. Maybe the dream you dreamt was not the right kind of dream; you were always chasing the chimera and now you must pay the price. This mortal combat with the devil, how long can it last. Something’s got to give. There is always a dark pit of the past from  where a great hurt can rise and you can only thank your stars that you yourself have not ended up in that pit. What do you do? You can’t say that you are a victim you are only a survivor from even more drudgery. And something clarifies in your head about pain and suffering; the former is external and you get rid of it like you get rid of the blood sucking leech from your flesh. But the latter is internal and deeply personal and you internalize it. It becomes you and you get sucked into its vortex, but ironically, you don’t feel the pain but only confusion. You can’t strike a bargain with the God, but in that whirlwind of emotions, you regret your choice but in reality there is no choice. You can’t have a transactional relationship with your God, if there is such a thing called God. Whether you do good or evil, suffering is your only reward and lot. Your whole being is filled with the poison of guilt and regret and you latch on to whatever that diffuses this powerful force which is hollowing you from inside out.